


Diamonds Are For Never

by vigilantejam



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 19:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vigilantejam/pseuds/vigilantejam





	Diamonds Are For Never

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coltsbane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coltsbane/gifts).



“Alright, listen up. Several million dollars worth of diamonds have gone missing in San Francisco. They belong to New York dealer Howard Ramirez and he wants them back. Sterling, Lana, you're going to see his son, Ramirez Jr. He couriered the diamonds personally.” Malory Archer took a sip of her Tom Collins and was opening her mouth to continue the briefing when the chatter started amongst her agents.

“In San Francisco? Sweeeeeet,” Lana was off, excitedly planning what sights and sounds and sun she'd be taking in until she noticed Ray's downcast expression. “Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’ll bring you back a present.”

“Yeah,” Sterling Archer piped in. “Like some... gay... juice. Dammit, I had something for this.” 

“Oh hey, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” Ray sighed dramatically and ran his fingertips through his hair. He would be fine. He would get the next assignment and have his share of jet-setting. He just didn't think that assignment would be as soon as it turned out to be.

“There’s no need to worry at all. Mr Gillette, there are rumours that the black market network are ready to receive and distribute the diamonds. I need you on the ground tracking them down before we lose them altogether.”

Ray gasped and sat bolt upright. “You. You’re saying you want me to go to San Francisco and blend in with the seedy underworld low-lives and ask if anyone’s seen some jewels?”

“If you think you can handle that.” Malory raised an eyebrow in an elegant arc.

Ray leaned back in his chair and shrugged.

“Eh.”

 

****

*****

As the ISIS jet made its way across the country Malory got a call on the video phone. He was a tall gentleman, with dark hair and olive skin, just like his father.

"What I'm saying, Ms Archer, is I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement."

"Oh, Crunch, you know just how to charm a lady." Malory giggled, and kicked off her shoes as she set her glass down on the desk next to her.

"If by charm you mean grease up slicker than a street car on race day.”

The nasal drawl from the doorway made Malory shudder. She flicked the video screen off and spun round, putting on her best formidable glare.

"Pam! What have I told you about knocking?"

"If you want it knocked ya gotta close the door from time to time. Say, who are you calling Crunch, anyhow? You on nickname terms with Mr Ramirez already?” Pam stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth and smiled playfully. Making Ms Archer squirm was one of her favorite things. Especially when she knew there was more to it than met the eye.

Malory answered haughtily, "As a matter of fact, yes, Mr Ramirez and I were just discussing the fee for recovering these diamonds."

"Guess you didn't need to switch the video phone off in such a hurry then." Pam widened her eyes, challenging, letting Malory know that she knew.

"No. I guess not,” Malory reluctantly conceded. She began plotting how to make Pam pay for this.

 

****

*****

"So, uh, Mr Ramirez.”

Lana began what she supposed was an interview. Archer had wanted to do a full interrogation with borderline illegal torture techniques, but she had managed to talk him down. She had also persuaded him to let her talk to Ramirez, even though that was the most important bit. Funny how he could be so easily manipulated by the phrase “and you can talk to the flight attendants.”

"Please, call me Howie." Howard Ramirez Jr looked a lot like the pictures of his father in the industry magazines Lana had read as research on the plane. Tall and dark, he wore a well cut suit and shoes polished to a bright shine. The pocket square over his heart matched his tie.

"Howie,” Lana repeated softly, “Hmm, sure. So you were with the diamonds the whole time?"

"I never let this case out of my sight. My father trusted me with this trip, I wouldn't let anything shake his faith in me. Although, I could be tempted by the right woman." Ramirez stepped a little closer to Lana and she couldn't help but be drawn in by his hazel green eyes.

"And on this private jet flight full of hostesses you personally picked out there wasn't a 'right woman'? Please, I'd do at least four of these chicks." Archer made his usual subtle point and the girls around him cringed and backed away. At least most of them did.

"Well, not at the same time,” he added to the one nearest to him. “Although if you're down with that, definitely all at the same time."

Lana sighed. "Archer, would you just not. For one minute?"

"Come, Miss Kane, let's discuss this away from your colleague. I'm sure he has a lot of work to be getting on with and you can't let me out of your sight.”

Taking her by the elbow, Ramirez steered Lana away and towards the hotel.

 

****

*****

Meanwhile, in a sticky basement just off the Castro, Ray was standing on the bar while strobe lights flashed over the men dancing around him.

"Ok y'all, now I need to check your pockets for diamonds ok?" He yelled, sliding his hand into the back pocket of the moustachioed man beside him.

The tanned barman pulled himself up and wriggled in between the two of them, lifting a bottle to Ray's lips.

"Sorry sweetie, no diamonds here, we only have Cristaaaaal."

The music pumped harder and the champagne trickled over his bare chest and Ray took a moment to calculate how much he got paid for the last hour and decided this was the best assignment ever.

 

****

*****

Lana sat next to Ramirez on the hotel bed, their hands just touching between them.

"I don't understand. The diamonds were in the case. You didn't leave the case anywhere, and no one saw anyone with the case apart from you. What are we missing?"

Archer rolled his eyes and pouted, "I don't know, Lana, do I look Belgian to you?"

After a minute and a half of blank staring Lana had to ask.

"Belgian?"

"POIROT, Lana, only the greatest detective of all time, who was BELGIAN, God read a book."

Lana sighed and shifted her weight closer to Ramirez. "And this is what I have to deal with all the time,” she whispered conspiratorially.

"After this is over,” Ramirez said, leaning closer, “I should show you my vaults. You know, if I married someone she would never have to go to work with idiot jackasses. She could just live off my wealth."

"Oh, really.” Lana placed a hand on Ramirez's thigh, pretending not to notice as he tensed under the pressure.

"You can't marry him, Lana, I'm pretty sure he's a diamond thief." The tactic of ignoring Archer and hoping he would go away had not worked.

"As long as he's got that vault I don't really care."

"No, seriously, Lana, I think he did it. There's no other way."

Lana sighed, "Cut it out Archer. This is just so typical you with the jealousy, and oh what, you're pulling a gun on me now?"

Lana stood up, pulling Ramirez up and shielding him with her body. Archer was in his shooting range stance, and not looking willing to back down.

"Well one of us has to arrest him, Lana, and you're standing in my way."

"Lana, please I didn't do it."

"Don't worry, baby, I got this."

Lana darted forward and back quickly, for once thankful for her long arms and good reach.

"What the shit, Lana?" Archer cried, looking at the white streak across his black turtleneck.

"Let's get back to New York, Howie."Lana looped her arm through Ramirez's and they walked out of the room, heading for a cab to the airport

"You got CHALK. On my TACTLENECK." Archer yelled after them.

"Yuuuuuup!" came the echo from down the hall.

 

****

*****

"Thank you, gentlemen, this has been wonderful. My team believe the diamonds to be lost forever, and we'll be writing up a report that says as much to your father."

This time Malory was addressing two men on the video phone. Two men who looked very similar indeed. She was wearing a polished string of diamonds around her neck and played it absent-mindedly between her fingertips.

"And thank YOU, Ms Archer,” crooned one of the brothers. “I must say our time together has been very rewarding."

"If by rewarding you mean sexually fulfilling, am I right?"

"PAM!"

"Mother!"

"Wait, what the hell is going on?"

"Adios!"

Howie and Crunch Ramirez vanished from the video screen and Malory was left to face the ISIS team alone.

"It's not what it looks like."

"Really?” Lana growled, “Because it kinda looks like a pair of identical twins pulled off a diamond heist and we were sent in to look like mugs who couldn't solve it while you got yourself a brand new set of stones into the bargain."

"Well in that case, Captain Exposition, it's exactly what it looks like." Malory scowled and swished her drink around in the glass before knocking it back in one.

"Plus she's doinking them both gooood." Pam added and Archer fell to his knees as his gag reflex heaved and choked his whole body.

"PAM!"

"Wait, was that before or after I.... ohhhh.” Lana sank to the floor next to Archer, nausea washing over her as she suddenly understood how he felt every time this happened.

"Just get out of here all of you.” Malory barked. “And where the hell is Gillette?”


End file.
